Too Many Dildos, Not Enough Common Sense: A Feminist Take on the P. Diddy Investigation

Dee Madigan

Warning: You’re Not Ready For This Conversation

Let’s talk about the headlines we’ve all seen: P. Diddy and his disturbing stockpile of dildos. Seriously? What century are we in where we can’t have an adult conversation about sexual autonomy, pleasure, and balance without veering into a territory of complete absurdity?

Now, I’m no prude, and let’s be clear—sexual empowerment is my jam. But the sheer number of dildos involved in this case gives me pause. We’re not talking about a couple of bedroom aids; this is a mountain of silicone that raises some pretty obvious questions about what’s going on behind closed doors. And not just for Diddy, but for women’s empowerment in general.

The Real Problem: How Many Dildos Are Too Many?

I mean, really—how many dildos should one person need? Three? Four? Ten? When does it cross the line from healthy, fun experimentation to what can only be described as dildo excess?

The truth is, this question isn’t just about titillation—it’s about balance and fairness. Studies have shown (okay, I commissioned them) that the optimal number of dildos for maximum pleasure and minimum societal fallout is five. Five. That's right. Per woman.

Now, let’s break it down—because yes, I’ve thought this through. For the woman who enjoys double penetration, two might suffice. But for the more adventurous who dabble in triple penetration, we’re talking three dildos minimum. And then there’s the backup dildo, because, let’s face it, even toys need to recharge. Add one more for variety’s sake, and bam! You’ve got your magic number: five.

What Does This Mean For Labor?

This isn’t just a bedroom issue. It’s a Labor Party issue. Labor, if you're listening, we need to address the growing number of women’s issues that hinge on sexual autonomy and pleasure. How do we empower women if we're not even clear on the need to make bedrooms safe for women—dildos included?

Forget inflation and cost-of-living—how are we meant to create a just and equal society if we’re not factoring in the dildo-per-woman ratio? Labor should be tackling this as part of its social policy. Women shouldn’t have to choose between sexual satisfaction and a fair economy. It’s time to calculate the social costs of excess dildo use and whether this level of penetration affects the economy at large through it's impact on female confidence.

The Economic Fallout of Too Many Dildos

Now, as a woman who likes to base her arguments on hard facts (pun intended), I’ve commissioned ROAM Consulting to dig deep (again, pun intended) into the economics of dildo usage. If we’re not careful, excessive dildo penetration could lead to dire consequences for the broader economy.

Imagine a world where every woman has a hundred dildos—one hundred! That's a luxury that only Jeff Bezos could justify. This level of overindulgence not only drains individual bank accounts, but it also inflates the costs of production, shipping, and even silicone shortages!

We're heading for a sex-toy-induced economic downturn unless we get a grip on this now. Too many dildos inserted into too many orifices over too short a period of time deflates female self-worth, crimping their usually spritely consumption at optimal non-degrading levels of penetration. That’s why I argue that five dildos per woman is the sweet spot—for personal satisfaction and to avoid catastrophic societal costs and economic decline.

Look, I’m not anti-dildo. I’m pro-balance. This is about liberation, fairness, and pleasure, all while maintaining a functioning economy. Five dildos per woman—maximum! We owe it to women, to the economy, and to our collective sanity to keep it at that number.

So, to the Labor Party: stop twiddling your thumbs, get ROAM’s economic analysis on your desk, and add dildo policy to the platform. If we can’t trust you to legislate this, who can we trust?

And to everyone else: you’re welcome for starting this conversation.