Inside Labor’s Productivity Carousel: Now Boarding for Your Next Government Gig
Paige Turner
CANBERRA — Beneath the softly humming lights of Parliament House’s Cabinet Room, a sacred ritual of modern government will unfold next month. Ministers will shuffle papers, department heads will sip flat whites, and a carefully curated crowd of Australia’s most durable professional stakeholders will be assembled for the Economic Reform Roundtable — an event pitched as a crucible for bold ideas and consensus-building.
Viewed as the ultimate resume builder by the nation’s political class, attendees will be judged on their ability to further their own careers at the expense of the national interest, while providing window dressing for a Treasurer with no economic credentials who simply wants to dole out favors to Labor mates.
Recently installed after a nine-month onboarding process with Treasurer Jim Chalmers, Productivity Commission Chair, Danielle Wood enters the summit as a high-level shill and well-trained recipient of direction. Appointed with great fanfare as the first woman to chair the Productivity Commission, her presence symbolizes renewal and submission to power. In practice, she’s here to deliver compliance.
“My top priority? Keeping the boys happy. After nine months of ‘collaborative consultation’ — which is Canberra-speak for being told what to think — I’ve learned the golden rule: Jim says, I nod. I don’t actually care about productivity, the country, or the Commission’s legacy. I care about being seen as useful, and having a vagina, it gets you a long way these days, especially in the papers. If that means issuing a ‘bold new report’ every quarter that recommends cross-sector working groups and better data collection, so be it.
Look, I’m the first woman to head this thing, and I’d prefer not to be the last. So yes, I’ll smile through another ‘refocusing process’ and pretend economic growth can be driven by more gender equity audits and targeted consultations. It's not about the work — it’s about staying in the frame for the next elevation.”
As a serious forum for the discussion of economic reform, the roundtable functions primarily as a proving ground for reputational maintenance. Its true utility lies in offering attendees a platform to signal alignment, secure relevance, and position themselves for government sinecures and high-level managerial positions.
Matthew Addison, the current Chair of COSBOA, will arrive at the Roundtable with the quiet, twitchy energy of a man who has spent the past year reminding himself not to accidentally agree to anything with the unions that amounts to pattern bargaining.
After the spectacular blow-up that ended his predecessor Alexi Boyd’s tenure — a well-intentioned MOU with the ACTU that somehow morphed into a mandate for multi-employer bargaining — Addison has adopted a more cautious approach: nod politely, say nothing definite, and never, ever stand too close to Sally McManus when cameras are rolling. Behind closed doors, he’s reportedly told colleagues he’s “just trying not to Boyd it.”
Still, the stakes aren’t exactly existential. Addison is quietly approaching retirement, and most COSBOA members are running hair salons, cafés, or suburban dog grooming operations — not tracking Hansard for signs of legislative betrayal. For many of them, “multi-employer bargaining” might as well be a fancy way of describing Monday staff meetings. His goal is simple: keep COSBOA’s name in the press, its funding intact, and his head down long enough to leave without needing a legal statement.
Meanwhile, Sally McManus approaches the Roundtable with the confidence of someone who knows she’ll be quoted in the communique whether she says anything useful or not. As ACTU Secretary, and arts graduate, she’s perfected the art of speaking in motherhood statements divorced from reality.
“Productivity has to start with secure jobs and empowered workers,” she declared, in her highly disturbing, unblinking lesbian-style. “And if that means ensuring every café owner in Toowoomba has to negotiate a certified agreement with three part-time dishies and a union observer, then so be it. Collective power is the engine of growth.”
“Look, it’s not about me, it’s about workers. But also — yes, obviously — staying on as ACTU Secretary until I can get a soft landing on a super fund board. If I don’t keep getting invited to things like this, people might start thinking the union movement doesn’t actually do anything.”
When asked whether this summit might risk watering down the union movement’s role, she simply shook her head and said: “Why? We wrote the agenda.”
The Roundtable, we’re told, is about “productivity, budget sustainability and economic resilience.” In reality, it’s more about the Canberra carousel: rotate, rinse, re-appoint. Each summit, inquiry or forum serves as a kind of ritualistic cleansing — a way to launder reputations, refresh credentials, and remind Treasury who still matters. Real policy change is optional; maintaining relevance is essential.
“I’m mainly going for the muffins,” concludes Wood. “Integrity is for losers. I need to stay on track for a clean reappointment and maybe a cross-bench advisory panel on intergenerational something-or-other. If we can get through this roundtable with no measurable fuckups and a few action words in bold type, I’ll call that a win for continuity and career planning.
Anyway, the real productivity gains are in avoiding conflict and staying employable on large six-figure government salaries. Plus, if I survive this, maybe I’ll get the Future Fund gig one day.”