Aboriginal Elders Call for Traditional Public Flogging of Defiant Barrister Lana Collaris, Dee Madigan Declares: 'The Time of the Woke Aunty Girlboss is Now!'

Paige Turner

In an extraordinary turn of events, Aboriginal elders have called for Victorian barrister Lana Collaris to be publicly flogged following her refusal to participate in a Welcome to Country ceremony. The proposed punishment, which is said to be steeped in centuries of Aboriginal tradition, includes a public flogging in the town square, after which Collaris' body will be ceremonially dragged through the streets by local youth on scooters.

"We see this as a profound educational moment," said a spokesperson for the elders. "After the flogging, local aunties will be invited to spit on her as a way to cleanse her of her colonial ignorance. It’s a spiritual journey we’re offering here. She’ll emerge better for it, maybe even enlightened. Then, as a gesture of reconciliation, she’ll be tasked with collecting native berries every weekend for male elders."

But that’s not all. In keeping with the spirit of inclusivity and healing, before each berry-collecting session, Collaris will be required to recite a formal declaration acknowledging her status as an immigrant with no legal rights. "It's only fair," the elders explained. "We can't have people running around thinking they're equal under the law. This is about balance, and we’ll make sure she has plenty of time to reflect on her actions between berry-picking shifts."

Dee Madigan, ever the voice of wisdom, has thrown her full support behind this traditional and progressive form of justice. "Honestly, it's about time Australians realised they are—and always will be—second-class citizens under Labor," Madigan said in a stirring endorsement. "The time of the white man is over. The time of the woke aunty girlboss has finally arrived. If you can't handle that, maybe it's time to pack up and find a nice white utopia somewhere—if you can find one!"

Madigan went on to highlight the need for Australians to get comfortable with their place in the new hierarchy. "I mean, really, this is what the country needs: more public floggings, more berry-picking, and fewer legal arguments. Collaris brought this on herself by refusing to cede her rights and personal dignity. It’s not like we’re asking for much—just absolute submission and a total overhaul of the Constitution."

The flogging, scheduled for this weekend, is expected to draw a large crowd, with local vendors already setting up stalls selling organic bush tucker and artisanal whips. In preparation for the highly anticipated public flogging, Lana Collaris has reportedly taken a spiritual turn, spending her evenings praying to the Rainbow Serpent in hopes of divine mercy. Close sources say she has also begun intensive meditation sessions, focusing on the mantra, "Next time, I will bend the knee."

Collaris is said to be diligently practicing her posture to ensure that when the moment arrives, she can kneel with grace and humility before the elders, a symbolic gesture she now acknowledges would have spared her the impending flogging. Friends say she is also brushing up on her berry-picking skills, preparing for a life of quiet penance in the service of local uncles.

The broader legal community has yet to officially respond to the flogging proposal, though there are whispers that some barristers are already booking front row tickets to the spectacle, with the Victorian Bar Council encouraging law students to attend. But for now, one thing is certain: the winds of change are blowing, and they smell like eucalyptus and justice.